It’s been a long time since I posted anything to this blog. Nothing since Mothers Day to be exact and here it is nearing November. I’ve been trying to write this post for months though. I’ve changed the title three times; changed the subject matter each time; decided to just start writing anything I was thinking, hoping that maybe it would become a post, so I started 7 other drafts. I just couldn’t make anything make sense…
So I finally did… I think. At least I hope it makes sense to you.
After more than 45 years on this planet, I recently admitted (read: accepted responsibility for the fact) that I had honestly and completely given up hope on true love, a peaceful life, and especially God. Sometime last year, it was revealed to me that I had already found the acceptance I had been searching for in a cult. The cult of me. It’s a long story that would take years to explain, but here’s the bulk of it, as evidenced in the life I’ve been living for the last 35 or so years:
The cult of me made it ok to use every excuse possible for remaining a victim of the bad stuff that had happened in my life. The cult of me blamed everyone else for all of that bad stuff instead of taking responsibility for any of my part in it. The cult of me made it ok if I lied, pretended, judged, dodged, scammed, stayed drunk or played until I was completely alone and at the end of my rope. In the cult of me, I had forced everyone out of my life except the ones that needed to stay as witnesses to the misery I was in just to make themselves feel better about their own lives. The cult of me was only about me, only for me, and only existed to satisfy the void that was within me.
Then one day when I was in a really vile and ugly place and so completely sick of the mess I had made of my life, God showed up and I didn’t even notice Him. That day, someone came alongside me and asked if I was ok. And she meant it. I told her I was fine and walked away.
Eventually, after I had watched her life unfold over 5 years of working together and spending more time together than we spent with our families, with kindness and patience she invited me to come and see where she “gets it.” The night I decided to take the chance and accept her invitation, I showed up, and so did God. This time, from somewhere within my spirit, I heard Him call my name. I was gently confronted with a truth I had never heard: I’m worth Jesus.
I was given a choice one day to believe it- all of it or none of it. I had been hurt so badly by church, but this was God. This wasn’t the rules or the law or that awful and boring mold I was supposed to try to fit into. This was the God of the universe inviting me to trust Him! I was afraid, but I chose to believe. And I chose to believe all of it. All I did was make a choice and wow, has He done some crazy amazing things since. I am simply in awe.
I was baptized yesterday- October 18th, 2015- and in such a way that it will be publicly posted for anyone in the world to see. I made a public decision to let the world know I have truly and completely accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and that I will live for Him for the rest of my life. I know that I am a different person today- that I’m not who I was before. I’m not defending myself because I just don’t need to anymore. The difference in me now is that before, I knew OF God, but I didn’t KNOW God. Today I know that He is my Helper and my Defender. Today I know what forgiveness feels like. Knowing what it feels like to receive it has been preparing my heart to give it to others. It’s coming in His time.
The difference in anything you may have thought about me before now is that, before, I didn’t know HOW to know God. I thought I had to work my way into His grace but since I had broken every commandment, I couldn’t get past the wrath thing. Today I understand that to know Him, I only need to spend time with Him. In His word, in prayer, in praise, in community with other believers. I really didn’t get it before that He had already done all that it took for me to be accepted by Him, that I just needed to accept Him! I didn’t know before that the Cross was enough.
So, if you’ve wondered why I left your life, it’s not you- it really is me. It’s because He’s tugged me away to something else. If I hurt your feelings by not returning your texts or calls, it’s because He knows my heart isn’t there anymore and He has other plans for me. If you think all of a sudden I think I know everything, I don’t. I know it took 46 years to get into the patterns and habits I was living out through the cult of me, but He is undoing that in me. I’m no longer afraid. And I’m not turning back. I’ve broken free from the cult of me. And I thank God for His help doing it!
I’ll be changing this blog a lot in the next few weeks to reflect the changes in me and my way of thinking. I started this thing as a way to find myself. At the end of the sidewalk where I was out of plans… that’s where God met me. I’m going to take this where He leads me now. Come along if you wish.
Peace and Love,